Knight Captain Dawes will forgive my frustration with the depths of evil encountered on this frontier and read only the facts of this report in the nature that they are intended.
The Holy Rollers are met at every turn by perfidy, corruption, and otherworldly meddling beyond the ken of mortal heathens of false gods. Despite these setbacks, we continue to glorify Pelor through the taming of unclaimed wilds and spreading of his word.
Our objective was to verify that the territory south of FOB Horizon was cleared of unwanted dangers so that Sanji might establish his own neighboring domain around the elven temple dungeon. I do not pretend to know the motivations of wizards but killing monsters and claiming land for Pelor I understand. We swept the dungeon and lands around and our surveyor was satisfied that the territory was ripe for settling. Sanji will begin construction immediately.
With our primary objective secured, we retired to the villa in Bonevale. Zimon overheard some fellows in The Bouche talking about a map they found to a magical place, the Mountain of Confection. These guys were suspect, but by asking around it turned out that they did indeed occasionally find solid maps. They offered advantageous rates for us to protect them on their journey and we obliged. Our debts climb ever higher and require adventure to combat.
We carried them up the coast to meet with their contact, destroying some bugbears along the way. The guide was apparently an abomination of the sea that spoke in a heinous voice. Our employers, who I dubbed Ace and Gary since they offered no names, were satisfied with the given directions and we continued on.
We found a terribly sketchy rope bridge that would definitely not hold our horses so we struck inland to go around the canyon. We caught back up with our original path and were able to find our destination, a cave in the side of the mountain. We'd been in many caves and killed much evil, so this did not trigger any particular unease. Zimon volunteered to scout ahead as is his role within our band.
He did not return. We readied ourselves for a fight and entered, only to awaken having lost a day and a kidney each. Our trackers trailed the culprits to a nearby dryad grove where we found Ace and Gary's skin suits. The dryads claimed to be "saving lives" by their charade, implying they were in league with extraplanar entities, but I was having none of it. I demanded our organs returned to us and then executed the creature for its offense. The next one tried to barter for its life by restoring Ace and Gary to their bodies. I smote that one down as well. The final creature pled innocence and my compatriots convinced me not to administer justice a final time. It released captive children that were cursed to form the letters above the cave and we returned to Bonevale, our own kidneys wrapped in wax paper from our rations.
Some of the children had been gone many years, but most were easily returned to their families, the only good to come of this foray. I took on an apparently orphaned child as a page rather than turn him loose in the streets. Cassian employed another as an altar boy. We will recuperate from our unelected surgery and continue the fight against Chaos in the days to come.
Yours in the Light,
Knight Justicar Percival, Bonevale
Musings:
This session was clearly based off of the Candy Mountain meme from the 00s. Those old enough to remember the video (sorry Sanji) realized it at different points but chose to engage with the thread anyway on the chance that there was a clever change to the story instead of just noping out of it as an obvious trap. If you're curious about the acid trip that is Candy Mountain, click here.
I think the DM saw the video and thought it'd be funny and it was. We got some treasure and it was a side quest vibe anyway since we achieved the main goal of setting Sanji's tower up. We also improved our standing locally as Big Damned Heroes by rescuing the kids. It was a weird but victorious session for the good guys.
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